A story of self-doubt and an ugly inner critic.
My head will no longer win
When does the inner self-critic develop in our lives? I believe we are not born with it. Just watch a young child taking steps for the first time. The young tot doesn’t stare at themselves and says, “You can’t walk; look at your feet; they are small and chubby.” There isn’t a moment where the child says, “Everyone will think you’re dumb if you try to take your first steps.” It’s the other way around. The child has observed people walking, standing, and having independence for a year or more. They see others succeeding in their walking ability, and without even doubting it, they decide they, too, can walk! They use a combination of bravery, confidence, and a burning desire to take the first step. There are endless analogies about falling and getting back up again, so I won’t bore you with those, but they are relevant, nonetheless.
So when do we start telling ourselves we are not good enough? Is it developed by society, our first families, or in school? I believe it’s a series of tiny events that all link together to become a chain-linked fence of self-doubt—holding us back and blocking us from our fullest potential. We stand on the side of the fence looking out into where we’d like to be and believe each of those links is why we cannot cross the line.
Some areas of the fence may be stronger than others, like extreme deep-rooted doubt brought on by traumatic events making us vow never to expose ourselves to that pain again. Other areas may be weaker links comprised of societal limitations such as race, gender or age. Yet, the burning desire to be somewhere other than where we are today lies within most of us. Our chain-linked fence may be holding us back.
This is precisely my journey. My self-critic is ugly, mean, and full of reasons I should not pursue my dreams.
But my heart is soft, kind, beautiful, and full of love and light to give others. So my mentor challenged me to put two chairs across from one another, close my eyes, and allow my heart and head to hash it out.
Man, the ugly things my head said would bring tears to your eyes. You’re not smart enough or thin enough. You don’t even have the right degree to pursue your dream.” Then it would proceed to say “everyone will think you’re ridiculous and you’re not good enough to try this.”
It wasn't until I started my mental health journey that I learned to love myself more and recognize that I deserved better. But unfortunately, this has taken years to undo decades of limiting beliefs. It has taken failed relationships, underwhelming jobs, and societal suppression for me to realize that living that way; was not fully living. We cannot thrive if we are stuck.
During this one on one discussion between my heart and head, I realized an important lesson. It’s not a battle to win or lose. My heart thanks my head for always trying to protect me. My head knows we want to be safe, my head has helped me navigate life, even helped me write this blog. But, my heart will work to guide me and give my head permission to allow us to be brave. My heart comforted my head, validated all the self-doubt, and ultimately proved that our desires are much more profound than our limited beliefs.
Making a change takes courage, but we all have the power to do so. My favorite quote is "Be the change you wish to see in the world." -Ghandi. I love it so much because I don't care what you stand for; stand for something, and do not allow your fence to hold you back from achieving greatness. Be brave and bold; the world needs more of you.
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